Many times over the past two years, I have written about the virtues of being a strong listener. I've gone into significant detail regarding the neuroscience and emotional impact of causing a prospect to feel "truly heard." I've offered techniques and tips, and suggested questions that one can ask to really engage a prospect - all in an attempt to help advisers "ask and listen" as opposed to "selling and telling" in a prospect interview.

Alas, it appears to no avail! In the last 30 days, I have been on at least two prospect appointments with advisers where the prospect couldn't get a word in edgewise! In one appointment, I thought the prospect was going to fall asleep, and the other was so frustrated they couldn't usher us out fast enough.

So I decided to look at this issue from a slightly different perspective. Rather than try to convince anyone why they should ask and listen more, I want to better understand why we can't keep our mouths shut! Why do we talk so much?

While it is not a lost cause - I have seen some chronic sales-talkers reverse their behavior and actually become effective listeners - it definitely is an uphill battle. In some ways, it feels like the issues of diet and exercise. Those of us who place an emphasis on helping our clients control their health care costs by helping employees become healthier know what this means. We can tell people about the virtues of a healthy diet, and how much better they will feel if they exercise, but almost no one listens to us.

People know logically and objectively what the right thing to do is, and yet we don't do it. Until they have the heart attack, or we slap a smoking surcharge on employee contributions, too many people just don't change behaviors.

I think it is the same with talking too much. But because this is much more insidious, it is even harder to correct. Very few people are willing to tell someone else that they are a bore. Certainly a prospect won't tell you. They will just endure the hour, get us out the door and make a mental note not to ever take our calls again.

Let's look at some of the causes of chronic sales-speak in more detail.

Nervousness/lack of confidence. This is especially a concern for those new to the business. Nerves can cause people to ramble on, hoping that if they talk long enough, they will give the impression that they actually know something. Or that if they keep talking, the listener won't have time to ask a question to expose their subject matter weakness.

Arrogance. Some would suggest that some people are just so arrogant and self-absorbed that they truly feel that their contribution to a conversation is just more valuable. However, studies suggest that a person who talks too much is more likely to lack confidence in what they are saying or what they are talking about, and drone on to compensate. It has actually been demonstrated that conversational bullies (those who get loud and aggressive to make their case) will get louder and more aggressive in direct proportion to how little confidence they actually have in the argument they are presenting!

Training. How many of us were trained years ago to talk about "features and benefits"? It's ironic that this is exactly the opposite direction that our financial planning brothers and sisters went. As my friend Chris John shared with me some time ago, "When the evolutionary shift took place in the financial services world, and stockbrokers hit their fork in the road, they either became financial advisers - asking, listening and understanding - or they became irrelevant and extinct." Are we reaching a similar fork in the road?

Ignorance. A total lack of awareness that we even have a problem listening might be the most significant cause of the problem. Let's face it, how many of us have the courage to tell others that they talk too much, or that they should shut their mouths and listen to what others have to say? In fact, when I ask people about their listening skills in interviews, it is a better than 50/50 proposition that they will take at least the next five minutes to tell me exactly what a great listener they are!

So if I think I am a good listener, but am not completely sure, how can I tell?

Try what I will dub the Jeff Foxworthy test. We've all heard his jokes: "If you [insert behavior here], you know you're a redneck!" Well, ask yourself the following questions after you finish a conversation with someone. In fact, to be completely sure, do it after every conversation for a week.

If you did the majority of the talking ... repeatedly talked during the conversation for over a minute at a time without letting them participate (this is the single most important indicator)...didn't hear what others were saying, and all you could focus on is what you were going to say next...interrupted the other person repeatedly...consciously wished they would be quiet so that you could get to the really important things that you want to say...had so many different ideas, products, tools, and/or solutions to present, and you felt that you needed to communicate every single one of them in one fell swoop...are detail oriented, and you felt that it was important that the other person received the benefit of all of your knowledge (even if it bored the pants off them!)...find that people tend not to pick up right away when you call them (because they don't want to get caught on the phone for an indeterminate amount of time)...find that people in your workplace tend to look away when you walk by (afraid that if they make eye contact, they will be trapped while you bend their ear for 10 minutes)...then you might be a talkaholic, verbally vomitose, or just a bore. None of which will help you with your sales career.

Here are some more tips to help you become less of a talker and more of a listener - tips that will hopefully help ensure that you are viewed as interesting, not annoying.

* As you are talking, keep asking yourself, "Does this much detail risk boring my listener, or risk me being thought of as the king or queen of gab?"

* Unless you are saying something you know deserves more than a minute, start looking for a place to stop at about the 30-second mark. If the other person wants you to continue, let them ask a question. (They seldom will.) Try it and see. If you are saying something that genuinely requires more than a minute, try to break it into segments, and ask: "What do you think of that?" "How does that feel to you?" "Am I making sense - really?" "The "really" is important to let them know that your question is not gratuitous: you really do want their input.

* Be alert to non-verbal cues, especially as you go past the 30-second mark. Watch for wandering eyes (or worse, glazed eyes!); finger or toe tapping; if they start to frequently interrupt you; begin giving quick, one-word, non-contemplative answers; or body language that indicates that they would rather be anywhere other than stuck in this conversation!

While listeners in today's world are often impatient, if these things happen more than a quarter of the time, it is probably you, not them.

Remember, if you truly care about making the emotional connection with prospects, or anyone at all, you must make them part of the conversation. This will require time; it will have to be an intentional act; and it will have to be authentic. Let's get to it.

Neilsen, president of the LeaderLabs, can be reached at rneilsen@theleaderlabs.com.